Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Jeff not Beau

It's Jeff Bridges and it's 'A Dog Year.'

Beau Bridges and a dog

After the buffet I rented a LAN cable from reception and connected to the internet until my battery ran out. I wrote some rubbish on this blog. Then I went to bed and switched on the television. There was a film with Beau Bridges in. He was playing an irascible writer who separates from his wife and goes to live in an isolated ranch in the American countryside with his dog. I missed the beginning but I gather he'd acquired the dog quite recently. Anyway his acting basically consisted of sitting at a kitchen table looking grumpy. He made a processed cheese and ham sandwich while his lips were turned resolutely down. The dog watched as Beau ate the sandwich. Then Beau, still with downturned mouth, slid his plate, which had half an uneaten sandwich on it, towards the dog. The dog ate it. It's a border collie. Eventually, though I'm not sure how this happens, Beau meets a trainer of border collies. She also looks grumpy and tells Beau that he is one angry man. Beau, meanwhile, is starting to change. A local youth badgers him, asking if he could give him some odd jobs to do. Beau says no, but eventually gives in. He also starts to write a book on his typewriter. It's called 'A Dog Year.' Or was it 'Year of the Dog' ? Anyway, suffice to say that in spite of all the downturned mouth acting it's the perfect film to watch when you're jet-lagged and in transit between Seoul and London.          

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Lost in Harbor Park Hotel, Incheon

Of course the reality is very different. We were taken by shuttle bus from the airport to a hotel where 'simplicity and modern design offer you comfortable atmosphere and allover window in room commands superior view and also completely presenting you efficient business environment.' They gave us a dinner voucher. After a hurried shower and failed attempts to connect to the internet I made my way to the Sky Lounge on the fourteenth floor. 'Appreciating the panoramic view of Incheon Harbor, you can enjoy the meeting with your sweet people after stressful and busy day and relish the diverse drinks including various beers and whiskies, wines from all the countries of the world.' A buffet dinner was available, though the waiter didn't tell me this. I sat down and worked it out for myself. I thought I'd better get it confirmed though so I asked him what the procedure was. 'It's a buffet,' he said. I got up and helped myself to some spaghetti from a chaffing dish. Also some mini chicken breasts and a glass of red grape juice. After I'd sat down I was joined by various sweet people: an elderly Asian couple with plates piled high and a swarthy red-faced man with goggling eyes who I guess was from Tasmania. He asked me what I'd got. The food kept getting stuck in my throat. I finished as quickly as I could and went downstairs to...oh you don't need to know, are not even interested to know, are you, what I was doing downstairs. They've probably got a bar somewhere here but I'm too timid to seek it out. Anyway, you can bet your bottom dollar that it won't contain Scarlet Johansson or anyone resembling her. It'll contain other transit passengers, all trying to avoid each other's gaze.      

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Spaced at Brisbane airport

I spent half an hour staring at rows of watches. Didn't like any of them. Then I tried various perfumes. A sales assistant approached me so I left. Found myself in a book shop that also sold rejuvenating creams. Considered purchasing Re-birth placenta face cream but decided not to on remembering I'd already bought an intense moisturizer with Rosa Artica (not sure what it is but it smells of my ex landlady) and Facial Fuel for Men from Kiehl's. I haven't boarded yet and I'm already off my face. I have twenty hours in Incheon airport (hotel provided by the airline) where I'm expecting to feel like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. The plan is to sit in the hotel bar drinking Bourbon on the rocks and looking inscrutable. Basically I crossed the world to do four nights of The Poof Downstairs. I had a radio interview during which the interviewer called me 'difficult' and 'irritating,' and a review which described my show as 'controversial.' As the critic left the theatre he heard a man behind him saying 'I've never seen such a load of rubbish in my life.' This really makes me very happy.    

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

First post in ages

Twenty-four hours ago I swallowed two travel sickness pills from Boots. I was hoping I'd get high but I got drowsy and constipated instead. I've been taking Boots antihistamine pills for the last few days. They help me sleep. In my late adolescence I'd eat ground nutmeg. It tastes vile. There's a deeply unpleasant sensation as it passes down your throat. I'd advise washing it down with lemon squash. On the plus side it gets you very stoned and lasts longer than a spliff. I've tried smoking hops and dried banana skins and used to take something called Actifed until they stopped selling it in chemists. Have been getting into Tiiffy too, a Thai cold remedy containing chlorpheniramine and phenylephrine that - in my case - induces sleep, but am rapidly developing a tolerance to it. I'm also addicted to M&S cheese puffs. They're a lot cheesier than Wotsits.